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A cancer has swept over America. War, recession, Global Warming, hurricanes, terrorism, evil. The cause of this disease is disputed, but many experts indicate that the problems seem to have begun occurring sometime around January of 2001. We talked to some people on the street to get their take on these horrifying events.
"Everything is pretty much Bush's fault," seems to be the prevailing opinion. "Really, everything?" we asked. What about hurricanes? Aren't they unpredictable forces of nature? We talked to self-professed expert climatologist Clover Skye to shed some light on this controversial topic. "Yeah, but like, it's all because of Global Warming. And that's America's fault."
Fascinating.
As the eighth year of this plague approaches, two distinct solutions have been proposed as potential cures for America's ills. The Republican Party has produced a treatment it refers to as "McChaimotherapy," spearheaded by Arizona Senator John McCain. We had the privilege of speaking with one of McCain's campaign advisers, who spoke on condition of anonymity, to learn more about this approach.
Isn't that a bit of a bold assumption to make?
"You don't understand. Lots and lots of money."
I see. But isn't this strategy nearly identical to that employed by the Bush administration, largely credited for causing the recession?
"No, no," he said with a chuckle. "We're talking about change here. The change America needs."
Compelling words. We understand you've also proposed a comprehensive solution to global terrorism.
"Yes, of course. We seek to establish a permanent military occupation in Iraq. We figure by keeping a closer eye on the uppity brown people over there, we can keep them from acting up again and force them to embrace freedom."
Is it really freedom if you're forcing them to accept democracy?
"Yes. In addition, we plan on establishing wiretaps on every telephone in the United States, and are currently working on an experimental model which will establish video surveillance in every American home. To make sure none of our own people are supporting terrorism in some way."
Isn't this slightly intrusive on the privacy of American citizens?
"Only terrorists say @!$%# like that. If you've got nothing to hide, what's the big deal?"
But despite bold promises, McCain's approach has its critics. Some point to its lack of effectiveness. "While McChaimotherapy has been seen to sometimes increase the lifespan of struggling nations, it's not one hundred percent effective," says Dr. Stephen Weinberg, professor of Political Science at MIT. "It's a treatment, not a cure."
Others criticize this treatment for its long list of common and severe side effects. "Have you ever actually listened to McCain deliver a speech? That 'cross in the sand' story is enough to make anyone want to vomit." A former factory worker we stopped on the street - victim of a mass layoff after his company began outsourcing manual labor to China - claimed to have pulled all of his hair out in frustration after hearing a top McCain advisor refer to struggling Americans as "whiners" for complaining about economic recession.
It's been suggested that copious amounts of marijuana is an effective treatment for some of these side effects, but unfortunately, the McCain administration does not have any plans at this point to legalize the drug for medicinal purposes.
However, a different, more novel approach has been proposed by Barack Obama, Junior Senator from Illinois, which claims to be able to cure all of America's ills. Among its strategies include tax cuts for the middle class, a universally available healthcare system, an energy policy which relies primarily on the development of renewable fuel sources, diplomacy in the middle east, and a refocusing of the "War on Terror" to center on the capture and trial of Osama Bin Laden.
However, while McChaimotherapy has been around for nearly twenty-six years, Obama's approach is much younger, still in experimental phases. While early clinical trials appear to show promise, some, such as Dr. Weinberg, claim that adopting this strategy nationwide so early is a risky bargain. "McChaimotherapy might not be perfect, but Obama has only been in office four years. He's largely untested, unknown. Not only are we not sure of the effectiveness of his policies, but there could be some nasty side effects we're not yet aware of. He's just not ready for the big time yet." Some on the street have particular concerns about his dedication to the War on Terror. "His middle name is Hussein, for Christ's sake. What's up with that?"
But many on the street have a different view of things. "He's all natural, man. He wasn't grown in Washington by a bunch of mad scientists. Natural @!$%# can't do anything bad to you, y'know? Hey, you wanna hit this?"
There are also some other, less popular solutions being proposed. We attempted to dialogue with a senior member of the Libertarian Party to get his take on things, but he only rambled incoherently about banking families and the Illuminati, screamed phrases like "Bring down the government!!" and persistently encouraged us to take to the streets and break things. Our security detail found it necessary to bring a premature end to the discussion when he began waving a hunting rifle around in a vaguely threatening manner.
So who has the correct answer? This author cannot say for certain, but accepted journalistic and literary practices indicate that I must construct a fluffy final paragraph which makes no conclusions but brings closure to the article in a way which makes the reader feel warm and fuzzy inside. Imagine for yourselves that you have just read such a paragraph.
